(excerpts of play published in 1469 by John Heywood)

NARRATOR

SHEPHERD

PATELIN a barrister

JUDGE

GUILLAUME a draper (holding a bolt of cloth)

WIFE OF PATELIN

Props:

the bolt of cloth

chair

pillow

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR: We take you to a small town in France in the year 1400. Business has been slow for the barrister Patelin. He is berated by his wife, Guillemette because he cannot afford to buy her some cloth. He promises to bring home enough cloth for them both to have new clothes.

PATELIN: If I fail, my dear, to fetch you cloth enough for both if us , and to spare, then I’m a fibber! What colour suits you best? A greenish grey? or Brussels cloth? Or some other sort?

NARRATOR: Patelin goes off to the shop of Draper Guillaume, who is renowned for his penny-pinching thrift, and greets him with a beguiling smile.

PATELIN: My worthy sir, God bless you!

GUILLAUME: And give you joy!

PATELIN: I have been really longing to see you, How is your health? You’re feeling tip top, eh?

NARRATOR: He continues to flatter the draper and recalls in glowing words the sterling qualities of the draper’s deceased father.

PATELIN: Ah, he was a knowing man! - your father was, I mean. God rest his soul. When I look at you, I can’t believe I’m not looking at him! What a good merchant he was. And clever!

I swear, your face is as like his as a regular painting…

NARRATOR: Patelin gradually breaks down the draper’s suspicions and finally persuades the draper to sell him six ells of cloth – on credit. Only for an hour or two, just long enough for the draper to finish his day’s business and hurry to Patelin’s house for the money , some wine and roast goose. For Patelin’s plan to work he must manage to take the cloth with him.

GUILLAUME: I will follow you then and bring the cloth.

PATELIN: Nothing of the sort, how will it burden me. Not a whit, beneath my elbow…so

GUILLAUME: No indeed, Sir! it would be better for me to bring it.

PATELIN: I’ll be hanged if you go to such pains! See how snug it lies, here, under my elbow.

NARRATOR: Much ill of ease, the draper sees his cloth depart under Patelin’s arm. Meantime, Patelin had hurried home, where he suggests to his bewildered wife how they might hold on to the cloth without paying for it.

PATELIN: Wife, wife, well Madam … now… I’ve got it right here. What did I tell you?

WIFE: Holy Virgin! Where did you steal it? Who will pay for it? What kind of a scrape have you gotten into now?

PATELIN: You need not worry, good Dame. it cost nine francs, a bottle of red wine and the wing of a roasted goose.

WIFE: Are you crazy? You have no money! No goose!!!

PATELIN: He’ll be here for it and soon, he must be dreaming even now of his nine francs, and his wine, and the goose. Oh, we’ll give him some goose! As soon as he comes and asks for me, swear by all the saints that I’ve been in bed for the last two months. Tell it in a sad voice and with tears in your eyes. And if he cries "my cloth, my money", tell him he is crazy and if he doesn’t go with that, then let me pipe him a little tune, for music is all he shall get!

off stage Knock, Knock, Knock

Wife puts cloth out of site then moves to door

NARRATOR: Patelin gets into bed while his wife goes to answer the door.

GUILLAUME: Good day, fair Dame.

WIFE: Sh! . . .Oh do speak low.

GUILLAUME: Why, what is the matter?

WIFE: My husband . . . very sick . . in bed for the last eleven weeks.

GUILLAUME: What! and who was it just took six ells of cloth from my shop.

WIFE: Alas, How am I to know?

NARRATOR: Guillaume refuses to be turned away and insisted on seeing Patelin.

GUILLAUME: Good Master Patelin I’ve come for my nine francs . . . which you promised me. . .

PATELIN: Ha . . . do you see him,? A black monk flying in the air with the draper hanging on his nose. Catch him . . . quick. The cat ! the monk! Up he flies and there are ten little devils tweaking your long nose. Heigh Ho !

WIFE: Now see what you have done.

GUILLAUME: But what does this mean? . . . Did he become sick since he returned, I am sure I sold it to him. Ah, but this may be a cooked up story. Tell me, have you a goose on the spit?

WIFE: A goose on the spit? No-o-o, not on the spit! You are the nearest . . . But I’ve had enough of this. Get out and leave me in peace.

GUILLAUME: Never, never Holy Lord, will I trust any one again.

SCENE TWO

NARRATOR: The story now introduces a shepherd who comes to Patelin to seek legal advice. His employer, the draper, Guillaume, had caught him red-handed stealing his sheep and slaughtering them. Because the shepherd gives the appearance of being an unusually dull-witted fellow, Patelin advises him that he has only one hope of escaping punishment.

PATELIN: Here is the trick! As soon as they call on you for trial, answer nothing but ba-a-a, whatever they say to you. And if they happen to curse you, saying, "Ha, stinking fool! a pox on thee, villain! Art thou flouting the court?" Go ba-a. I will say: "he is half-witted, he thinks he is talking to his sheep." But even if they split their heads with roaring, not another word! Beware!

SHEPHERD: I take it to heart, and truly I will be wary, and I will do it properly, I promise and affirm . . . call me fool outright if I utter today another word, to you or to any one, whatsoever they say to me, but only ba-a, as you have taught me.

NARRATOR: All went well, even better than Patelin had planned. When the draper saw Patelin and recognized him as the scoundrel who had stolen his cloth, he became highly excited. The judge for his part was finding the shepherd’s constant ba-a’s most disconcerting.

JUDGE: Step forward shepherd, speak.

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

JUDGE: Hoity-toity! Here’s a mess! What is this ba-a ? Am I a goat? Speak to me!

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

JUDGE: A murrain on you! Ha! Are you flouting us?

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

PATELIN: Believe me, he is crazy, or stupid, or he fancies he is among his sheep.

GUILLAUME: Damn me, if you are not the very man that took it – my cloth, I mean. Oh you can’t imagine sire, by what deceit . .

JUDGE: Hold your tongue! are you an idiot. Leave that matter alone.

GUILLAUME: True your Worship, but the circumstance concerns me, yet on my faith I’ll not utter another word about it. Well, as I was saying, I gave six ells . . . I mean, my sheep . . .pray Sire, forgive me . . . this master Patelin . . .

my shepherd when he ought to have been in the fields . . . But he told me I should have nine francs! . . .

I mean three years ago my shepherd gave me his word that he would watch over my flock loyally and do me no damage nor any villainy and then . . . now he denies me outright both cloth and money . . .

JUDGE: Now, I warn …

GUILLAUME: That scoundrel robbed me of the wool of my sheep, and healthy though they were he killed them . . . He tucked my cloth under his arm he hurried off saying I should go and get nine francs at his house.

NARRATOR: The proceedings finally reach such a pass that the distraught judge dismisses the case.

Judge hammers with imaginary gavel

Patelin and the shepherd are left alone.

PATELIN: Say Lambkin! Well done.

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

PATELIN: The draper’s gone, now, cease thy ba-a-a’s, it’s no longer needed. Didn’t I trounce him? Didn’t I counsel thee just right?

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

PATELIN: Come, come! nobody will overhear you. Speak right out, you needn’t fear.

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

PATELIN: It is time for me to be going. Pay me!

SHEPHERD: Ba-a

NARRATOR: And so the story ends, with Patelin, now the creditor, receiving nothing from his none too dull-witted client.

THE END

Production by the Cragmere Players